Enjoying life's adventures in a secluded mountain cabin

Posts tagged ‘love’

My Little Purple Book

I am a collector.  I don’t have shelves that hold my treasures and my walls aren’t covered with masterfully done works of art.  I don’t have rows of clothes hanging in my closet, nor do I have shelves of shoes.  I don’t have a variety of handbags and I always wear the same three earrings, never-changing them for any reason.  And yes, you read that right.  Three earrings.  Not two.  Not four.  Three.  I don’t have drawers or bags of make-up and I don’t have umpteen bottles of hair products.

But, as I said, I am a collector.

I’m a collector of words.  If I could afford it, I’d have a hard back copy of every one of my favorite novels ever published.  I’d have rows and rows of books on everything from cooking to painting to fixing anything.  I’d love to one day have my own little library in my home, complete with the little sliding ladder to reach whatever would be stored on the top shelves.  But, besides books, I collect words.  I collect other people’s words and I keep my collection in a little velvet covered purple book.

I’ve been jotting down quotes for about ten years now.  Anytime I see or hear something that pulls at my heart-strings, or appeals to my psychotic counterpart that dwells deep within, or beckons that little kid that I still am at heart, I write it down.  I have quotes on everything from love to bubble gum.  Quotes about death and being born again.  Famous words about living a humble life and being a strong woman.  Proverbs regarding raising children and song lyrics that can bring even the strongest of men to tears.

I seek these quotes out whenever I can and I always try to jot them down, even if I don’t have my purple velvet book with me.  I’ve been known to write them on gum wrappers, napkins, receipts, and pretty much anything else you can think of.  But they always find their way into my book.

Mountain Man still doesn’t understand my collection.  He’s inquired about it several times throughout our time together and I’ve tried to explain it to him as best as I could.  He still doesn’t get it, though.  And really, I understand why he doesn’t get it.  I cannot give any real reason for my obsession with words.  I can’t give a plausible explanation for wanting to write someone else’s words down and keep them.  It makes absolutely no sense in the grand scheme of things.

But, in my world, it makes perfect sense.  My collection of quotes, sayings, bible verses, proverbs, song lyrics, and thoughts from other people remind me that no matter what I’m going through, someone else has been there, too.  No matter how elated I’m feeling, or how unbelievably loved, or how God-awful rotten, or how absolutely pathetic and pitiful and sad, someone else out there has felt that way too.  Someone else out there has been in my shoes and knows my frustrations and pain and love and happiness and helplessness and grief.  Someone else out there gets it.  My collection reminds me that I’m not alone in this world, that it can always be worse than what it really is, and that perhaps I truly might be one of the luckiest women in the world.  For even though my life is far from perfect and things rarely ever go as planned, if I died tomorrow, I can honestly say that I’ve truly lived.

I’ve experienced so many things in this world.  I’ve felt the pain and sting of life’s hurts.  I’ve felt the horrible ache and emptiness from the death of the only man who was always there for me, no matter what.  I’ve also felt the butterflies and the highest of highs whenever my love’s lips touch mine.   I’ve felt the hurt that only a Mother can know when her children disappoint her.  I’ve felt the disappointment from not acting on a gut feeling and following my heart.  I’ve felt a love like no other and basked in the joy that only true love can bring.  I’ve felt the hurt of knowing my friend is making the wrong decision but supporting her anyway because she’s my friend.  I’ve felt the sick worry that comes when my children are ill or hurt and I can’t help them.  I’ve felt the love in a stranger’s heart when I’ve offered a helping hand.

I have lived and my collection of words in my little purple book are a reflection of a life well lived.  I’ll have to replace my book soon because the pages are nearly full.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to find another little velvet covered purple book, but like so many other things in life, it’s not the cover that counts.  It’s what’s on the inside.

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Becoming an Auntie

I got the call a little over nine months ago.  My Mama was calling me and she had me on speaker phone.  Again.  I hate when she puts me on speaker phone ’cause I can barely hear her, and when I do actually hear her, I can’t understand her because of all the other various noises in the background.  However, this time it was different.  It was quite in the background and she was happy.  In fact, she sounded downright giddy!

I answered the phone with my usual “hello” which was very quickly met with something along the lines of “Do you have any baby clothes you wanna get rid of?”  I had to have her repeat the question because, 1)I couldn’t hear her, and 2)I was sure I’d misunderstood her.  Again, “Do you have any baby clothes you don’t want anymore?”  I laughed, rather heartily, because my two babies are both teenagers and I quickly reminded my Mama that my youngest was 13 and that any clothes I might’ve been saving had long since been given away.

It was at this point in the conversation that my Mama got tickled and I heard other, muffled giggles in the background.  A few seconds later, Mama is telling me that my middle sister and her husband are expecting their first child.  I’m not real sure what the next words out of my mouth were, but I think I might’ve called her a liar or asked if she was joking or had gone temporarily insane.

After that, there was definite outright laughter in the background and I could hear my sister and her husband confirming what Mama had just told me.  I was so excited, I think I squealed!  Just a little, though.  I congratulated the new parents to be and with a few more brief sentences, the phone conversation was over.

I remember being so excited at the thoughts of being an Aunt.  I have two boys of my own, but I’ve never been someones Aunt!  Fond memories of my favorite Aunt and all the time we’ve spent together over the years washed over me.  I was filled with such hope and love for this little being whom I’d yet to meet.  Anyone out there who’s an Auntie can hopefully relate.  If not, then this is yet another fine example of the depths of crazy lurking within.

Now, let me tell ya, nine months passed with snail like speed when I was waiting, rather impatiently toward the end, to meet my babies.  Those same nine months don’t go by any faster when you’re waiting to meet your niece or nephew.  It’s not the same kind of waiting, but it still seems like the day will never come when you get to look upon a new little life and know that you share something special with this little being.

So, I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Along the way, I got texts and phone calls about the new Mommy and baby.  My sister sent me a picture of the first ultrasound.  My little nephew’s very first photograph.  My nephew.  Another boy.  The third grandson for my Mama.  He was precious.  Simply precious.  And yes, I’m fully aware that in an ultrasound picture, especially one sent to a cell phone, one can’t really see the baby’s features to tell if he/she is gonna be a cutie, but trust me, I knew he was precious.

My sister and her husband took what seemed like forever to choose a name for my nephew.  They were going back and forth for months but they knew they wanted to give him a family name.  They finally decided one of his names would be Charles after mine and my sister’s Paw.  The other name was going to be one from my brother-in-law’s family.  It wasn’t revealed until right before the baby was born.

So, again, I waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  And finally, the day came.  The day we’d all been waiting for.  The day I’d finally get to meet Little Charlie.  And again, you must remember that I’ve never been someone’s Auntie, so this newfound form of love was totally foreign to me.  I was so excited to finally meet this little bundle!  I felt like I couldn’t get to the hospital fast enough!  My youngest son and I met my baby sister, who had already met Charlie the night before, shortly after he made his grand entrance into the world, and we were off to pick up my Mama and then on to the hospital so I could finally meet him.

I’m telling ya, the excitement I felt that day cannot really be put into words.  It’s a feeling that’s just indescribable!  And that was just the beginning.  Once we finally made it to the hospital and we finally made it to my sister’s room, I felt a sudden surge come over me.  Someone else had my nephew when we entered the room, but she was a very sweet lady and gave him over to us willingly.  My Mama got him first, and I tried really hard to remember that when it was me laying in that hospital bed with people coming to see my babies for the very first time, I was just a little hurt that people completely forgot about me and went straight for the cute, pink, cooing baby in the room, so I made sure to speak to my sister and her husband.  Albeit briefly.

Then….  It was my turn.  I was finally gonna get to meet my nephew.  I was finally gonna get to hold Little Charlie.  Oh, and have I mentioned that, while I do not have an addictive personality, I think I might have an addiction to babies.  I love everything about them!  Their sweet smell, the precious cupid’s bow lips, the beautiful color, and those feet!  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Those adorable little piggies!!!  A strange desire comes over me whenever I see little baby piggies.  A desire that gets even stronger if I can hold said baby and smell said baby while looking at said baby’s little baby piggies.

At first sight, I was hooked!  That precious little baby boy is just beautiful.  He is perfect and wonderful and just…. beautiful.  It was love at first sight.  At first sight, at first smell, at first touch, and especially at first sound.  He cooed so sweetly.  He was just so stinkin’ cute!!!!  Immediately, I felt my addiction grab hold of me and begin the tug at my heart strings.  The tug that makes me think I want another baby.  This tug can be dangerous if I let it completely take hold of me.

Then, it occurred to me.

I’m an Auntie.  I have the best of both worlds with this little fella.  I get to love and cuddle and coo and swaddle this sweet little precious baby boy, and then I get to go home and sleep, and eat peacefully, and have sex every night if I want to, and go to the bathroom by myself, and watch an entire movie from start to finish uninterrupted, and shower alone, and read a book if I want to, and write a blog if I want to.

Insert reality here.

The high left me nearly as quickly as it had taken hold of me.

It occurred to me as we were walking back to the car to return home how truly lucky I am.  I’ve already experienced the newborn baby thing and made it through the toddler years.  I’ve trudged through the elementary school years and now I’m in the deep throes of the teenage years, or Hell, as I like to lovingly refer to this stage of development.

So, I’m thinking I really like this Auntie deal.  All that love to share, all that hope for another new life, all those elated baby feelings, and all the freedoms of having older children back home who can pretty much take care of themselves, and will soon be grown and gone.  I don’t want any more babies of my own, but I really think I’m gonna enjoy being an Auntie.

The Top Ten Reasons I’m Glad I’m Not A Little Kid Anymore

1~ Sex.  Need I say more?  If further explanation is needed, then I’m sorry to say, dear reader, that you are apparently not doing something right and my fervent prayer for you is that you will explore different avenues to make this act more enjoyable in the future.

2~ Chocolate.  Oh, chocolate!  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways…  Nah, that’s another post entirely.  But I will say that eating a good piece of chocolate, for me anyway, can be a life altering experience.  I find it’s very closely akin to a religious experience.  It has an affect on me like no other food that exists on this planet.  It calms me and brings me back to my center.  It makes the world right again.

3~ Alcohol.  Speaking as someone who doesn’t smoke, has never done drugs, and has no other real vices to speak of, unless you count numbers 1 and 2 on this list, alcohol has the power to make the rest of the world just fall away and leave you feeling blissful, if only for a moment.  And that feeling is just so wonderful and awe inspiring.  Sometimes it’s good to just get away.  Just for a little while.  It’s a good thing I don’t have an addictive personality.  I’d be an alcoholic for sure!

4~ Driving.  I know there are those out there who hate to drive.  They absolutely loathe having to get behind the wheel of a car for whatever reason.  I am not one of those people.  I love to drive!  I love the feeling I get blaring down the road in my car, watching the world pass by through my more often than not dirty windshield.  It’s bliss.

5~ Food.  I no longer have to eat what’s put on a plate before me because someone says I have to!  Now, I get to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and for however long I want.  Given his natural ability in the kitchen, Mountain Man and his culinary delights have been an irreplaceable asset when it comes to this.

6~ Makeup.  Any gal out there who has freckles and eyelashes that seem completely invisible will totally relate to this one.  A little cover up for the freckles that I so vehemently loathed as a child, yet have developed a new love/hate relationship with as an adult, and a couple coats of black mascara and I’m a happy girl.

7~ Music.  Anyone that knows me knows that my life has its own soundtrack.  Almost every single song that I hear has a memory that corresponds with it.  It’s kinda like the way smells can conjure up images from most people’s past.  Music does that for me.  And being an adult means I get to listen to whatever kind of music I like, whenever I want, and for however long I want!  Wait, except when the kids are around and I’m in the mood for some uncensored tunes, or when Mountain Man’s nearby and I wanna mellow out with some Lilith Fair stuff, or when….   Oh, never mind.  You get what I’m saying.

8~ Friends.  When you grow up and become an adult and you’re no longer trying to fit into the “in crowd”, you get to finally be yourself and for me, my true life friends developed long after elementary and high school.  I think it’s great that some people have those childhood pals they can still relate to, but for me, it just didn’t happen.  I find that my friends that I made well into adulthood are the ones that accept me no matter how screwed up or how ridiculously silly I may be.  They love me unconditionally.

9~ Kids.  Honestly, without my kids, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today.  They have shaped and molded me into this wonderfully, somewhat zany, and at times delirious being that’s sitting here typing this today.  I wouldn’t trade one minute of being a Mother.  Well, wait a minute.  Perhaps that one time when one of ’em….

10~ True Love.  I think my Mama was right when she used to tell me I was too young to know what true love was when I was a teenager.  I don’t think I ever realized just exactly what she meant, though, until they placed my babies in my arms after they came into this world.  Most parents out there know exactly what I’m talking about.  And even though I thought I’d been “in love” a couple of times in my life, I really don’t think I’d ever had the real deal ’till Mountain Man came into my life and showed me what true love between a man and a woman really is.  I’m still learning new things about true love, even now.  And I must say, every hurt, every heartache, every disappointment, every pitfall, everything I’ve faced up to now has been worth it, just to know that this man, honestly, and truly, loves this woman.

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