Today has been a little difficult. Difficult might actually be an understatement at this point. Today, I’ve found myself missing my two boys, so much so that it’s been difficult to breathe at times. Looking around, I’ve seen different, random things that have reminded me of them. More accurately, it’s reminded me of their absence and I’ve longed for the little moments that some Mother’s, including myself, take for granted.
I can remember times when they were little and I was a stay at home Mom, struggling to keep it together and teach them right from wrong, and they would sometimes drive me crazy fighting with each other. Sometimes to the point that I just wanted to run away from home. At the time, I can remember being so frustrated. Now, I just wish they were both here to aggravate me.
I used to daydream about the day when they would both be grown and I could finally enjoy myself in ways that a young Mother raising two boys simply could not do. Now that I have that time on my hands, albeit early, it’s just not the same as I envisioned all those years ago when I was planning my days post Motherhood. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t live an unfulfilled life and I don’t walk around depressed all the time. I have Mountain Man, who I know loves me very much and I have other family and friends who fill my life with joy and happiness. But any Mother out there knows the heartache that only a child can bring. Any Mother knows all about those missing pieces once they’re gone.
Right now, I wish I could hear my oldest son playing his guitar too loud and calling me “Momsie” like only he can. I wish my youngest was sitting beside me on the couch, securely attached to my hip, where he had always been his entire life. I wish I was having a very deep conversation with my oldest about some artist or musician. I wish my youngest was asking me for cooking tips and advice and trying to emulate the chefs on Food Network. I wish I could tuck them both in again like I used to do when they were little. I wish I could hold my youngest in my arms and sing him to sleep or lay on a bed with my oldest on my chest as a newborn and gently rock him to sleep with my foot swaying just enough to make my whole body rock.
I wish so bad that I could go back in time sometimes and just relive some of those little moments that I hold so dearly.
I guess right now, more than anything, my wish is that they know, that they remember, how much I love each one of them. I hope and pray that they know in their hear of hearts just how much their Mama loves them.